Home,
according to the old saying, is where the heart is. But in my case, for most of my life, I had
multiple homes—so many, in fact, that I’m unable to remember most of them
clearly. So where is my heart? Oddly the answer, despite the seeming
complexity of the question, is not at all in doubt. My heart is here, where I live now, and where
I have lived for the past twenty-one years, the happiest and most fulfilling of
my life.
That answer
has become vividly clear in recent weeks.
Ruth and I have begun to make plans to relocate from our secluded
retreat in the foothills of the Black Mountains of Western North Carolina to
the bustling city of Asheville, forty-five miles away, where she works as a
regional long-term care ombudsman representing the rights and interests of the
residents of nursing homes and other elder-care facilities. Right now her travel-time amounts to a
grueling, and expensive, one hour each way over dangerous highways and back
roads. Moving would reduce that commute
to a matter of minutes. And the work
itself, while challenging, has proved the most meaningful and fulfilling of her
distinguished career and she needs to continue it, both for her sake and for
the sakes of those vulnerable folks whom she serves.
I recognize
this necessity and yet I find myself perversely inclined to resist it too,
because it threatens the comfort and security of the first and only permanent,
wholly satisfactory home I have ever had.
Allow me to explain: My early
life was nomadic; my father was a Methodist minister, and though the practice
may seem strange in this more enlightened day and time, ministers of that denomination,
in that far-off age, were expected to remain serving a given church only for
limited terms, usually four years or so.
I suppose the arrangement was intended to forestall what was thought to
be the pernicious system pursued by other denominations, which often resulted
in pastorates of long and eventually unhealthy durations. So my memories of childhood are of painful
and all-too-frequent disruptions of neighborhoods, friendships, schools and
congregations and of endlessly repeated moves from one parsonage to another and
from one town or city to another. It should
also be said that congregations in those days could, and did, range from the
warm and welcoming to the indifferent and even the overtly hostile.
But the
worst of the system, in my youthful eyes, were the parsonages. My mother was a painstaking housekeeper, and
she believed it was her duty as a good minister’s wife, when moving to a new
mission, to transmit to the incoming pastor and his family a perfectly scrubbed
and gleaming parsonage. Of course one
could only do so much to dress up a house which had been purchased as cheaply
as possible to begin with and then allowed to deteriorate over subsequent years
due to parsimonious funding by the congregation’s board of trustees. But in the days prior to our every move to a
new appointment Mother would clean the house furiously and fiendishly lest the
next occupants think poorly of her stewardship, only to find, when we entered
the next parsonage, that the previous occupants had had no such
compunctions. Some of my most painful
memories are of watching her step across the threshold of a new home, if I may
call it that, only to find it a perfect shambles. She would give way to wracking sobs of
heartbreak. I did not weep, though
once, upon stepping into a new parsonage, I was assaulted by hordes of fleas
famished by their separation from the previous occupants’ dogs. In one parsonage, I won’t say where, once we
settled in, we found that in winter large black rats would gather at the top of
the basement stairs where some heat was available, and whenever any of us
opened that door the rats would go bounding down the stairs going thumpety-thumpety-thump, a sound I can
still hear in my aural memory. In yet another
parsonage there was no bedroom to accommodate me at all, so I slept on a cot
located in what had been a screened-in side porch now equipped with uninsulated
plywood walls. Needless to say, my heart
was not in those homes. Nor were they,
any of them, in any sense, homes at all.
Experiences such as this conditioned me to regard our
successive abodes as contingent, as temporary tortures to be tolerated in the
hope (never to be realized) that we might one day be assigned to something
finer. So, once liberated from the
peonage that was my condition as a “preacher’s kid,” I foolishly hoped to set
out on my own, find a vocation, and earn a living sufficient to provide me with
the sort of warm and welcoming home that popular opinion and my own hopes suggested
ought to be my due. Of course after
graduating college my starting salary as a newspaper reporter would not permit
this. So I rented the inevitable
apartment—the first of many—and learned the sad lesson that a cubicle in a
complex where one could hear the neighboring renter watching TV, playing LPs,
pissing, farting, coughing or making love could scarcely be regarded as Home
Sweet Home.
Then I got married, an experience better passed over here in
silence, save to note that when we were at last able to purchase a house, my
new wife dictated the choice and, once we took up residence, dictated every
last decision concerning it as well as every last decision concerning me and my
career. Very soon a home it was not; I
shall refrain from characterizing it otherwise.
Presently that marriage ended.
This was in Arlington in Northern Virginia, across the Potomac River
from Washington, D.C., where I had worked first as an urban planner and then as
a lobbyist. Twenty years in the National
Capital Area burned my technocratic ambitions to a crisp and I began to
entertain thoughts of moving to a quieter and less intense domain to take up
the work I had long thought myself best suited for—that of a writer.
That decision brought me at last to my first and real home, here on my mountainside at the
edge of the Pisgah National Forest, surrounded by streams and by woods and
hills that offer lovely views of the Southern Appalachian highlands, where I
have lived since 1995, where I found and married my beloved Ruth, where I have
published five novels and one work of history, and where I have been not just
happy and but thoroughly content.
But life demands change.
It regards not the wishes of one’s secret heart, nor should it. One is not one; one is but half of the two of
a marriage, and of a love affair that burns as brightly now as it did at the
beginning. Our hearts, like our fates,
are linked. We face the necessity of
moving from our cherished home to a more suitable setting in or near the city. Practicality must trump emotion. It hurts us both, but I hope I do not sound
too selfish when I suggest that the pain may be different—I do not say
worse—for me than for Ruth because this place has been my first and only
experience of a true home. I can’t speak
for her in that regard; she did live for most of her prior life in one place if
not in one house, and that place, the charming city of Salida in Central
Colorado, was, and remains, one of the most beautiful in America. Her previous family life, if somewhat
turbulent, was, and is, close and loving.
Perhaps I’m wrong but I think she has a stronger sense of home than I
do, and I think it is one of the foundations of her life. I hope
we can both soon reclaim the sense of home that is so profound a need in us.
Charles,
ReplyDeleteSo good to hear from you! I have often wondered how you were faring after reading the previous post.
As another PK, I can relate to your feelings about home. I wish the best to you and Ruth as you relocate to the bustling city of Asheville. Wherever you land, I hope you find it conducive to your writing and nourishing to your soul.
Thanks, Margaret, for your kind comment. Our house is on the market and we are packed up to move but haven't yet. Each day of waiting is harder than the last for both of us. We love it here. Hope you are well. Charles
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